I was jealous – What to do when you are triggered by other women’s success

Management Today published their 35 women under 35 recently.

These 'top people under a very young age' type pieces can spin me into a swirly cycle of thoughts and feelings 

'OMW what have I been doing with my life?!' 

and dramatic protestations of

'I’m too told and its too late!' 

My jealousy, comparison and envy is piqued and I can go very quickly down a rabbit hole of disappointment, self-recrimination, judgement and shame. 

is it just me? (by the responses I’ve had to my posts on this topic … I’m not alone)

At the same time I want to celebrate these women, because resourcing women to thrive is literally my life's work!

AND

even better, one of these brilliant women is my friend and featured change maker in Change Makers the very awesome Khaleelah Jones 🙌🏻

I’ve learned that my jealousy/ comparison/ envy spike usually reveals something in my heart that’s important to me - when we listen to our jealousy it’s GOLDen data for us.

We’re socialised that there’s not enough, that we’re in competition with one another, that your success diminishes mine.

This is not true. It’s made up. It’s part of patriarchy’s pernicious web of lies.

Here’s how I shift from envy to inspiration: 

  1. Take a beat to feel what I feel, let the swirl of feelings wash through me. Ouch. it's usually super uncomfortable.

  2. Get curious about what's behind this spike of emotion.

  3. Ask myself do I want that? Do I actually want that person’s life? What is it - specifically - about that success point that is attractive to me… is it the accolade, is it being acknowledged and valued, is it the way she handled something, is it her character….

  4. Invite my inner wisdom to show me what is my need or the desire that is bubbling up underneath these feelings.

  5. Often I decide I don’t want that actual thing, in which case I can let it go and wish her well.

  6. If I decide there is something there that I desire too, I can thank her for her inspiration (even just in my head), then start figuring out my plan to reach my version of that goal, in my own way

  7. Find a way to celebrate that woman’s achievement and success (like/ comment/ share/ join her list/ open her emails/ buy her stuff/ give her some feedback) do it, it feels good.


Gentle reminders:  

  • We don’t see all the behind-the-scenes blood, sweat and tears of others’ lives

  • These big wins are an accumulation of small consistent, persistent steps over time 

  • Success for one women doesn’t take away the success available for you- it’s not a pie

  • You are not too old and it’s not too late to go after your own dreams 

  • You are enough and you have all that you need to take you to the next step 

What’s resonating for you?

Your next steps

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🍃 Join Katy’s next 1/4 ly Reset event here – it’s a calm pause, a guided reflection to review your progress and reset your energy and focus for the next few months. It’s the perfect antidote to comparisonitis.

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katy murray